Biting at Daycare
Both sides of the note — the parent whose child bit, and the parent whose child was bitten.
A bite note in the bag is one of the most loaded moments of early childcare. One family feels mortified; the other feels furious. Both feelings are normal, both children are fine, and this guide is written for both of you — without judgment, from inside the group.
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Last updated: 23 July 2026
Both sides of the note
If your child did the biting, you may feel a hot wave of shame — as if the mark on another child's arm is a verdict on your parenting. If your child was bitten, you may feel a surge of protectiveness and anger — how could this happen, and who did it? Both reactions are completely human, and neither is wrong.
Here's the part that helps most: at this age, biting is almost never about aggression, cruelty or bad parenting. It's a stage — a normal, well-understood one — and it passes. This guide walks through why it happens, exactly how a daycare like ours handles it, and what each of you can do at home, whichever side of the note you're holding.
Why toddlers bite (it isn't what you fear)
Between roughly one and three, a child's feelings and impulses race far ahead of their words and their self-control. Biting is one of the ways that gap shows up. Here are the reasons we see most — usually several at once.
Pre-verbal frustration
Big feelings, no words yetA toddler who wants the toy, wants space, or wants it now often has no words to say so. Biting is a fast, physical way to make something happen when language can't keep up.
Teething
Sore gumsAching gums beg for counter-pressure. Sometimes the nearest thing to clamp down on is another child's shoulder rather than a teething ring.
Sensory exploration
Mouths lead the wayYoung children explore the world with their mouths. A bite can be pure curiosity — 'what does this feel like?' — with no intent to hurt behind it at all.
Big feelings that overflow
Overwhelm & excitementOverwhelm, overtiredness, even intense excitement can spill over into a bite. The nervous system is flooded and the body acts before the child can stop it.
Testing cause and effect
'What happens if…?'A toddler who bites and sees a big reaction is learning how the world works, not plotting. Once they can predict the effect, and once words arrive, the biting fades.
The one thing to hold onto
- Biting at this age is a phase almost every group sees, and almost every child grows out of — often within weeks to a few months.
How a daycare like ours responds
When a bite happens, the caregivers move through a calm, practised sequence. This is how it generally works at a daycare like ours — the order matters, and comforting the child who was hurt always comes first.
Comfort the child who was bitten
First, always
The caregiver goes straight to the child who was hurt — warmth, calm and full attention. This child is the priority in the first moments, and their upset is taken completely seriously.
Tend the bite
Clean, cool, check
The skin is cleaned, cooled if needed, and checked. A bite that breaks the skin gets extra care and is noted clearly for you, so you can watch it at home.
Guide the child who bit toward repair
Not punishment
The child who bit is calmly told 'biting hurts' in simple words, and helped to make it right — fetching a cloth, a gentle pat, staying close. The goal is to teach, not to shame. Long lectures and time-outs don't work at this age; a short, clear response does.
Document what happened
Written down, same day
The caregivers write down what happened — when, where, what led up to it and how it was handled. This record helps the team spot patterns (a certain time of day, a certain trigger) and adjust the group so it happens less often.
Inform both families
Both sides told
Both sets of parents are told the same day, usually at pickup or in a note. You'll hear what happened and how it was handled — but, by a rule daycares hold to, not the name of the other child.
- The bitten child is comforted first and their injury cared for
- The biting child is taught, not labelled or punished hours later
- Both families hear the same day, in a consistent way
- Written records let the team prevent the next bite, not just react
If your child was the one who bit
First, breathe. A bite is not a referendum on you or your child. Here's what actually helps — and what to skip.
Do: respond gently at drop-off and pickup
- Thank the caregiver for telling you and ask what led up to it — the trigger matters more than the bite
- At home, use simple words later that day: 'teeth are not for people, teeth are for food'
- Give your child extra calm and connection — biting often rises when a child is tired, hungry or overwhelmed
- Offer safe things to bite: a teething toy, a cold cloth, crunchy snacks
Don't: punish, shame or label
- Don't punish hours later — a toddler can't connect a pickup-time scolding to a morning bite; it only frightens and confuses
- Never bite back 'to show them how it feels' — it teaches that biting is what big people do too
- Don't call your child 'a biter', 'aggressive' or 'the bad one' — labels stick and shape how a child sees themselves
- Don't catastrophise — this is a stage, and the calmer you stay, the faster it usually passes
What we'll say to you
You will not be met with blame. A caregiver will tell you plainly that this is a normal stage, that your child is not in trouble in any lasting way, and that we're working on it together with you. You are allowed to walk out without shame.
If your child was the one who was bitten
Your anger is valid — someone hurt your child. Here's what you can reasonably ask, what the privacy rules mean, and when it's fair to expect the daycare to do more.
What you can ask
- How the bite happened and what led up to it
- How your child was comforted and the wound cared for
- Whether the skin was broken and what to watch for at home
- What the group is doing to reduce the chance of it happening again
Why you won't be told who did it
Daycares don't share the name of the other child — and won't share your child's name with the other family either. It isn't the staff being evasive; it's a privacy convention that protects every child equally, including yours. Naming the child who bit tends to turn a developmental stage into a playground reputation, and it can pull parents into conflict that the children themselves have already forgotten by snack time.
When it's fair to expect more (repeated biting)
A single bite is a normal event; a pattern is a signal. If biting keeps happening to your child, it's reasonable to expect the group to look closely — reviewing what triggers it, adjusting the group setup, watching more closely at flashpoint moments, and sitting down with the families involved to agree a shared plan. If you feel that closer attention isn't happening, you can ask for a conversation with the group's mentor or the location's coach or manager.
Myth vs. fact
A few beliefs cause more heartache than the biting itself. Here's what's true.
“My child is aggressive.”
MythAt one to three, biting is a communication and impulse-control gap, not aggression. A child this age doesn't yet have the words or the brakes. It says nothing about the kind of person they're becoming.
“The other parents should be told who did it.”
MythNames are kept private by convention — for both children's protection, and because a two-year-old shouldn't carry a reputation. Both families are told what happened and how it was handled; neither is told the other child's name.
“Biting back will teach them.”
MythBiting back teaches the opposite — that biting is what trusted big people do too. Children learn from calm, consistent guidance and from safe outlets, not from being hurt in return.
“A good daycare never has biting.”
MythGroups of toddlers bite sometimes — it's a normal part of little ones learning to be together. What marks a good daycare isn't zero bites; it's how calmly, kindly and consistently each one is handled, on both sides.
A story from our groups
It usually goes something like this. Two toddlers, close friends, both around eighteen months. Over one hard week — new teeth, short naps — one bit the other more than once, and both families arrived at pickup carrying the same knot of feelings from opposite ends: one ashamed, one angry. The team stayed calm, kept both names private, watched the flashpoint moments, and gave the pair a little more space at the busy times. Within a couple of weeks the biting stopped, the friendship didn't, and by the next month neither child remembered any of it. That is the ordinary, hopeful shape of how this ends.
Frequently asked questions
At what age does biting usually stop?
For most children it fades as language and self-control grow, often by around three. If biting is frequent, intense and still going strong past three, it's worth a chat with the consultatiebureau.
Should I make my child apologise?
A forced 'sorry' means little at this age. Helping your child with a caring action — a gentle pat, fetching a cloth — teaches repair far better than a scripted word.
My child was bitten and the skin broke — what do I do?
Keep it clean and watch for redness, swelling or warmth over the next days. Human bites that break the skin can occasionally get infected, so if it looks angry or your child develops a fever, contact your huisarts.
Could my child be biting because something's wrong?
Usually not — it's developmental. But if biting is intense, frequent, and paired with other worries about speech, hearing or development, the consultatiebureau can look at the whole picture with you.
Can I ask for my child to be kept away from the one who bit?
You can raise it, and the team will take it seriously — but in a shared group the answer is usually closer supervision at flashpoint moments and a shared plan, rather than separating two children who often stay friends.
Is biting my fault as a parent?
No. Biting shows up in gentle homes and lively ones, with first children and fourth children alike. It's about a stage of development, not your parenting.
Where to turn for more
Trusted Dutch sources on toddler behaviour and biting, plus the people who know your child.
- Opvoeden.nl — biting and toddler behaviour
- NJi — Dutch Youth Institute, child development
- Your consultatiebureau (JGZ) — for questions about your child's development
- Your group's mentor and the location coach — for anything about your child on the group
- Your huisarts — for a bite that broke the skin or signs of infection
About this guide
This guide is for information and reassurance, and reflects how biting is generally understood and handled in Dutch daycare. It doesn't replace personal advice — for questions about your child's development or behaviour, talk to your consultatiebureau (JGZ); for a bite that broke the skin or shows signs of infection, contact your huisarts. Each daycare's exact protocol may differ; ask your own group how they handle it.
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